Celebrity Wedding

I hesitated before posting this, infact I wrote it off-line earlier so that I could think about it before I posted it. Well, I’ve thought about it.

On the face of it, it should have been a simple post; a conclusion of earlier posts regarding the friend who found a marriage partner via the web; a post that would say that they got married last weekend in a simple but dignified ceremony; that the food was delicious and that at this very moment they’re probably gazing at the sublime Alhambra whilst they’re on their honeymoon. Actually, I can still say that because it’s all true.

Yet, I still hesitate and the reason is because of the Tottenham Ayatollah! In case you don’t know, or just need a little reminder, I’m referring to Sheikh Omar Bakri Mohammad, the Syrian born Imam and head of the Al-Muhajiroun movement. A figure much vilified by the press and perhaps more damningly by Trevor Phillips, the recently appointed, (a New Labour gift it should be added), head of the CRE. Why did I hesitate? – because I’m paranoid that’s why and if there are any CIA/MI5/Mossad/Smersch web spiders crawling over this site then would you kindly piss off! I love everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly – unless the fly was about to eat my hydroponically grown Afghan heroin which I sell in order to buy blackmarket Iranian plutonium.

Anyway, imagine my surprise, sitting in the segregated hall, (not unusual but rare at muslim weddings these days), waiting for the Imam to turn up and begin the ceremonies when I see a vaguely familiar, well-fed looking figure enter and assume the central position beside the groom at the head table.

“That’s Bakri isn’t it?”, somebody next to me asked,

“Yes! it’s him”, I reply as the cobwebs got blown out of the way by the storming realisation.

True, my friend had said that his future bride was quite religious, after all it was one of the qualities that attracted him to her but I hadn’t expected this! Apparantly, wedding ceremonies are part of the controversial Imam’s day job and this explained the presence of this outspoken celebrity cleric.

He conducted the ceremonies in English – which was a refreshing change – and he went on to describe the process and purpose of the various elements of the ceremony. Interspersed with these informative bits were anectdotes and observations that were sometimes quite funny – I hadn’t expected that! This was a man who knew how to work an audience.

One of these anectdotes he offered up while he was telling us about the procedure for asking brides whether they want to get married. He told us that after he’s asked the groom if he wants to marry the bride, the Imam and two witnesses would make their way to where the bride was and ask her whether she wants to marry the groom. At this point Imam Bakhri told us about a wedding in Stoke he had recently officiated at where, when he asked this question, the bride replied that she did not want to marry the groom and that she was being coerced by her family. When he heard this the Imam had told the gathered wedding guests that the marriage could not take place but that they should stay and enjoy the food anyway as it would have been a sin to waste it! The point of this anectdote was that he always insisted that a bride’s father was not present when this question was asked and that marriage in Islam should always be between two freely consenting adults.

As anectdotes go I thought that it was mildy witty statement of an often overlooked requirement of muslim marriages.

Even so, I could not help but remember that this man who was bringing the bride and the groom together with the hope that they would go on to create life, was the same man who, it’s alledged, called on muslims to kill Tony Blair, George Bush and Pervez Musharraf … Oh and crucify muslims who fight in the US or UK armed forces!

Why would this man say these things? perhaps he did it to court controversy and get headlines in the papers, afterall, ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’ and he certainly likes publicity. Or, maybe he was the focus of media hysteria and was constantly being mis-quoted and mis-represented. Well, whatever the case, I had had an opportunity to judge for myself.

Bizarrely, I have to conclude that when it comes to Islam in the lives of muslims, the Imam is relatively progressive – it’s just when it comes to Islam in the wider context that he sounds like a total nutter!

Zen saves Panda

Years ago, at college, a programming lecturer of mine recommended Robert Pirsig’s ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ to me. Of course I didn’t bother reading it, anymore than I read anything else that was on the reading list but I should have. I did eventually read it, many years later…

Bella’s been immobile. Nothing wrong with the old girl’s engine but the brake lights just wouldn’t work – either of them. I’d had a similar problem just a few weeks ago and it transpired that both bulbs had burnt out. Actually one had burnt out quite a while ago but nobody had told me about it until the other one had gone as well and rendered me and Bella an unwitting menace to other drivers. So this time around I checked to see if the bulbs had gone; they hadn’t. With the lights on for night driving, the rear lights worked and besides, on visual inspection the filaments were intact. It also looked like the parking light wasn’t working either … the mystery deepened.

Next on the checklist of things to do in this situation was to check the fuse box, I did and nothing doing there – they were all fine, still, I changed the relevent fuses. Now the way these things work, the left hand cluster of lights are on a separate circuit to the right hand cluster, so if the fuse goes for one cluster it does not affect the other one. However, both cluster’s break lights refused to switch on.

So I sat in the car pondering my next course of action. Do I phone up the AA and get some ‘very nice man’ to come along and end up fixing something that may turn out to be really trivial thus making me appear to know nothing about cars, (true, I don’t but that’s not the point). Perhaps I could ‘phone a friend’ … no, same stubborn refusal to admit my ignorance and ask for help. Maybe I could drive the car to a garage, manually switching the fog lights on and off as and when I braked … well, apart from it being expensive, dangerous and illegal I didn’t have enough faith in my hand-eye coordination to embark on such a risky journey.

I hadn’t started kicking anything yet and the tears of frustration were somehow, tremendously bravely, being kept at bay, as I remembered Pirsig’s book. It asks the question ‘what is Quality?’ … and then proceeds to provide an answer. I can’t remember what that answer was but I do remember that the protagonist in the book was a lecturer who has some sort of breakdown, (mental not mechanical). and then he re-invents himself as a freelance technical writer of computer manuals who travels around the US on a motorcycle and has another breakdown, (mechanical not mental). The book is about the motorcycle journey, madness, Plato, Aristotle, fixing bikes and Quality. (Don’t all rush off at once to get a copy.)

No, it wasn’t the book’s content that inspired me … it was it’s title! I decided to apply a bit of Zen to the problem, I had to become at one with my car … Bella and I had to become one and the same … I had to reach into my inner Panda. And what do you get in a Panda? … wires! Wires connected everything and that’s where the problem and thus the solution lay.

Two hours had passed already when I had this epiphany. If the problem wasn’t in the bulbs and it wasn’t in the fuse box then it could only be somewhere in between. I unscrewed the rear clusters and looked at the wiring, a red wire connected to both rear lights and a white wire connected to the parking light. I followed the wires through Bella’s side panels and on towards the fuse box. Both wires connected to the same relay which in turn connected to the fuse box … BINGO!

Two apparantly unconnected problems were connected. Well okay, technically speaking they weren’t connected. The wires had disconnected from the relay and upon reconnection, the rear break lights glowed into joyous, connected life.

… So, what had I learned from this ripping adventure? – that if you have a breakdown, save yourself a lot of time and get professional help … quickly!

Hotels in Andalucia

I’ve just sorted out a list of good hotels for that friend who’s getting married. The happy couple are planning to spend their honeymoon in Southern Spain and so I consulted a copy of the latest edition of the Footprint Andalucia Handbook and compiled the following list…

Malaga
———–
1. Don Curro, C Sancha de Lara 7, T 9522 27200 F 9522 15946
2. Larios, C Larios 2, T 9522 22200 F 9522 22407
3. Malaga Palacio, C Cortina del Muelle 1, T/F 9522 15185

Granada
————
1. Alhambra Palace, C pena Partida 2, T 9582 21468 F 9582 26404
(try for a room with balcony overlooking the city)
2. Los Alixares, Av Alixares del Generalife s/n, T 9582 25506 F 9582 24102
(4th/5th floors are good)
3. Guadalupe, Av de los Alijares s/n, T 9582 23423 F 9582 23798
(ask for room with good views if possible)
4. Casa Morisca, Cuesta de la Victoria 9, T 9582 21100 F 9582 15796
(near new Granada mosque but I don’t know about parking)

Cordoba
————
1. El Conquistador, Magistral Gonzalez-Frances, T 9574 81102 F 9574 74677
(ask for a room overlooking the Mezquita if poss.)
2. Maimonides, C Torrijos 4, T 9574 71500 F 9574 83803
3. Tryp los Gallos, Av de Medina Azhara 7, T 9572 35500 F 9572 31636

… which I put here so that I don’t lose it!